Sparks and Leaves

Now, none of this would’ve been surprising provided that;

1. There had been reasons they could sanely articulate as to why, and
2. They had taken at least 3 dates, say, to get to know me beyond an initial impulse.

Neither was the case. Not one of these women could give me anything even remotely approaching a lucid explanation as to why the stars weren’t aligned just so any longer, and few were willing to give even a second date a chance. Some lost the spark after a single phone conversation before even meeting me in person. I, on the other hand, had no confusion at all as to why I had sparks and wanted to continue getting to know them (for at least 3 dates anyway!). But all attempts to find any sign of clarity in these women were in vain. There never was a chance for anything to develop or for either of us to know each other to any depth.

By contrast, my grandparents went through a courtship ritual. They dated—more than once—did things together, made time to get to know each other a little, and gave some level of relationship a chance. Sure there were plenty of sparks but not always, yet they continued to spend time together on days when there weren’t. They had good and bad times, occasionally created romance where there wasn’t any, and at other times set romance aside to answer important questions about life and each other. After a while a funny thing happened… those evanescent sparks that came and went ignited into a deep fire that gave light and warmth to a relationship that lasted over half a century. This happened because they were willing to invest the time and intentionality necessary to create a hearth where those sparks could ignite and grow into something.

Show me someone who thinks chemistry is an ineffable mystery and I’ll show you a leaf on the winter wind—someone who is ultimately a slave to random forces they don’t understand and will be blown to and fro by every whimsical or hormonal breeze that passes. Rarely if ever will such a person settle down with anyone long enough to actually know him/her to any degree and give lasting fires a chance to ignite. And as long as he/she is unwilling to subject these “mysterious” feelings to the light of day there is no reason to believe that their relationship dramas will ever end. Indeed, I’d love to have a nickel for every person I’ve met whose dating choices show long-running patterns of drama and disappointment with no sign of any lessons being learned along the way.

In The Road Less Travelled, Scott Peck tells of working with a young, artistic, “bohemian” couple locked in a turbulent marriage riddled with screaming fights and regular infidelity interspersed with passionate chemistry. When it became clear that he was calling them to more discipline and self-awareness they terminated therapy accusing Peck of wanting to remove the “passion” from their relationship. Peck described them as follows;

“There is no doubt that there union is, in a certain sense, a highly colorful one. But it is like the primary colors in the paintings of children, splashed on the paper with abandon, occasionally not without charm, but generally demonstrating the sameness that characterizes the art of young children. In the muted, controlled hues of a Rembrandt one can find the color, yet infinitely more richness, uniqueness and meaning. Passion is feeling of great depth. The fact that a feeling is uncontrolled is no indication whatsoever that it is any deeper than a feeling that is disciplined. To the contrary, psychiatrists know well the truth of the old proverbs ‘Shallow brooks are noisy’ and ‘Still waters run deep.’ We must not assume that someone whose feelings are modulated and controlled is not a passionate person.”

(Peck, 1978 – My italics)

The same can be said for feelings that are understood as well as modulated. It is too easily forgotten these days that fire can only give warmth and light when it is contained in a hearth. Wisdom and self-awareness do this for passion. Mysterious, uncontained fires may seem exciting, for a while anyway. They also have an even bigger advantage in that the less understanding of them we allow ourselves to have, the less responsibility we have to assume for their consequences. ;-) But sooner or later they become conflagrations that consume everything in their path, including us.

Prophets of chemistry fashion themselves as free, deeply feeling people, in touch with mysteries that are out of reach for those who are more rational and disciplined. In fact, they are slaves to the reckless abandon of primary colors and have ceded control of their destinies to the random. It’s little wonder that most of the online dating profiles I’ve seen insisting “chemistry is a MUST…” and the like, belong to women who are attractive, intelligent, accomplished—women who should have legions of eligible men available for relationships—yet have remained there for months or even years, apparently without much success.